Walking to the office early one morning last year what I thought was a stroke of genius hit my brain, and I created this nifty little Insta-ready pic to remind myself. It dawned on me that I had trained myself restraint against truly desiring anything. I'd developed a pashmina of DGAF that comforted me so by eliminating any desire or expectation of myself or others. Life was light. Easy.
However, I wasn't fulfilled, so life also felt empty. My life, my experiences, didn't feel rich or enthralling. I was just going through the motions. If life is ups and downs of emotions, I was the absolute steady-state. I had become so scared of any sort of let-down that I'd built a Brown safe-grade security system in my life.
Wanting something is scary. It means committing to a particular desired outcome and opening yourself up to potential disappointment. Truly wanting can capitalize on our deepest insecurities. Saying something is important can make us think if we don't attain it, we lose. Wanting something can feel like if someone else achieves it first, they've won.
It's okay to want. To desire. Doing so conveys to the universe what is important to us in some way, whatever the motivation. It commits us to reach for something; if the outcome is different than we anticipated, we pursued the journey, which is generally the most enriching. Accepting the vulnerability we feel through desire exhibits strength.
I made the commitment to myself to get comfortable with desire. It's been a process, but I'm much more aware these days when the defensive wall preventing heartbreak and disappointment starts to build. I'm more comfortable expressing my desire for a particular outcome and less scared of the potential perception of failure I previously feared. In doing so, I have felt my world open up. My options are limitless. I feel free, mostly from the constraints I had placed on myself. My journey is exciting and unpredictable, as I've opened myself up to a greater path. As a result, I am energized, inspired and humbled every single day.